Embracing my inner redneck
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "beyond_burnout" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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03:10 pm
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Well that was awkward...
So I've been surviving internship. I'm currently avoiding paperwork and had a no-show so that's a nice present for a Friday.
I made the mistake of beginning to look at postdocs again. I have no idea why I would do that to myself, but I did. Then I called two of my prior supervisors to warn them that I'd like LOR's. Is it taboo to call ex-supervisors?
The first rec. was happy to hear from me, but started telling me way more than I wanted to know about her personal life right now.
Then the other was like okay why are you calling just e-mail me.
I just figured since I hadn't spoken to either of them since fall 2006 it would be good to call them (I have e-mailed them during that time). Perhaps the south has made me socially weird. Is there a proper time of day to call ex-supervisors?
As for the rest of stuff. I'm still at odds with Dr. Evil. She hates my guts and is somehow convinced that despite being at 4 sites I should be working on her crap all the time. It reminds me of the graduate professors that were convinced the students only took their class.
She's young and out to prove that she's superior to me by over-correcting reports. I happened to give a report to her superior and it came back with 1 word added on all six pages. Yesterday I got chewed out for not completing my reports in a timely enough manner despite getting the reports to her sooner than she asked for. The biggest problem is that she is in love with the idea of at least 2 drafts of a report. On the bright side eventually I will never have to see her EVER AGAIN!!!!!! That could potentially be one of the major highlights of this experience.
I swore that stress would improve once I got an internship but I'm starting to think psychologists thrive in stressful conditions. Why is it that getting a postdoc has caused hysteria in my intern class? It's as though somewhere along the line we have been convinced we are never going to be worthy of real employment. Yet I'm as hysterical as the rest.
Current Mood:  cranky
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01:23 pm
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Is there any point
Okay, so part of last weeks post was inspired by being told that I will have to shift my schedule and plan on seeing clients from potentially 7am to 6pm on Thurs. While on Mondays I will be expected to drive an hour one-way to my site so that I can write reports all day. No supervision, just site and write. It seems like a huge drain on the environment and waste of my time. Expressing my concerns (not annoyance) is what got me in trouble with that evil sup last week.
So now, I'm just trying to decide if there is any point to getting the internship training coordinator involved in my supervision nightmare. Constantly critiquing my personality is not going to change it and honestly I think it has so much more to do with my autonomy at that site and her not matching at the internship I'm currently in. I dread supervision to the point where it occasionally makes me physically ill. However, I'm totally avoidant and don't really know what discussing it will accomplish since I have to remain at the site and the other supervisor is not interested in taking on another student.
Of course then there's the question of how it will effect my evaluations and rec from the training director. Ugh
Current Mood:  uncomfortable
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02:06 pm
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Three months later
So, I'm three months into internship. Many congratulations and lots of $ later I'm here.
I don't know if I'll ever know if this experience was worth the tremendous stress and upheaval. While I don't have to apply this year, I find myself yearning for simpler times when things made so much sense. Now, unless I fall even further behind with my work I don't have time to reflect. But in a moment of procrastination and vent here it is:
Despite assurances to the contrary I am working well in excess of 40 hours a week. I'm adapting to a strange and largely backwards thinking culture that has women at each others throats, men in power, Jesus freaks, bad fashion, corporal punishment, bad accents, rednecks, lots of crack, and fried food. This is all despite the fact that one of my profs loved it here?! Mental health is always paired with the question "Do you think I'm crazy?" Medical staff are convinced there is a mental health problem only if the child annoys them and Klonopin is prescribed to nearly ever child here. If I was keeping up I'd be writing 4 psych reports a week. I'm driving constantly and never feel like I get enough sleep. I chose kids and teens as a specialty in part because I thought I could avoid early AM rotations, but I work from 7 or 8 am until 6 or 7 (7:30 or 8 until I get home)
I suspiciously have one supervisor who is actually a MSW (this is an APA program), although I will admit he's generally okay. I have two I really like who are generally very helpful, a random MD of the week and a supervisor at a community site I CANNOT STAND. From this person I've learned that I have an attitude, am angry a lot, do not take criticism well, don't adapt well to change, and need to accept that I will be working 10 hour days for the rest of my life. The irony to this is that I really see getting a doctorate as a way to become autonomous and have more not less control over my destiny. Being torn apart isn't my thing and I've never ever had a problem with any other supervisor in my entire career. Apparently I'm not fake enough for where I am. I guess I'm supposed to pretend to be thrilled when asked to do things well beyond reason and/or sensibility.
Of course the irony of that is that I must remain in this state through postdoc or I have to pay back all my stipend plus interest and legal fees. Nonetheless am I being naive in assuming I can find a job I actually enjoy that won't expect me to exceed a 40 hour work week? I understand that shrinks take work home with them and I'm find with that, but I see no reason I should have to remain at my job to just be there with nothing to do. So I guess I'm a spoiled brat.
Alright, novella done, back to the grind. Only 9 months to quasi freedom! A lesson to those that are interviewing make sure to ask how many reports per week and a typical patient load. Apparently a lot of sites lie about total hours.
Current Mood: annoyed
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07:10 pm
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Be my friend!
I doubt many if any are reading this, but if you are and you aren't my friend ask to be one!
I've had to make a number of my recent posts friends only to avoid disclosing certain information to the general public.
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05:24 pm
[Link] | The past two weeks have been an exercise in renewing the small hope that someday I might actually get my doctorate. Unfortunately it's also stirred up a lot of "why me?" issues.
The leadership team of my program met to discuss my shortcomings and I was then mandated to meet with one of them to discuss the findings. Essentially, they agreed that I'm the victim of poor advising. They don't think I need another practicum. They suggested the following
- I apply to 25 + sites for next year.
- I apply to generalist programs with a child rotation (that did not go so well this past year).
- I get work related to child/adolescent stuff in a medical setting.
- I revisit my LORs (I wrote one so perhaps that was the problem...)
- Finish my dissertation (I'm aiming for scheduling the defense for Dec)
- Publish more (this one isn't very probable)
That's it! So there's not much there I hadn't already deduced other than the LORs. Basically no one knows why I didn't get more interviews or match. So that sorta blows. I was really hoping it was some obvious flaw I could fix.
Current Mood:  tired
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08:37 pm
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One small step for psychologist-kind
So the BIG news is that I have officially completed the intake of 1 research subject for my dissertation! I feel amazingly lame that I'm excited by that, but it's nice to throw myself into something. Unfortunately, getting teenagers with mental health problems to get their parents to sign consent forms is a process...I have yet to figure out how to get them returned, but have 30 recruits so far!
So I have a bunch of 18 year olds and 1 minor (possibly 3 by tomorrow). The good news is that the site I'm collecting at is being much friendlier and hopefully I will continue to enroll kids. An N of 40 is a long way off, but we'll see. I'm stopping September 1 either way, which gives me a good chunk of time to crunch numbers and write my diss (I think). My goal is to have my defense scheduled by the time I reapply.
Other then that nothing has happened. I've looked for jobs, found some promising leads, but can't follow up on anything until my practicum contract has expired. Unfortunately, July feels like it's waaaayyyy to far away. Nobody seems to have any connections for me yet...But I'm waiting on a few meetings to see if something else comes up. Otherwise, I'm relocating further south to at least attempt to figure out if I can say on the west coast permanently. Once I get a job, I might try to enroll in a Spanish class, but I doubt that's going to help.
So right now it's more sitting around, waiting and being a workaholic for me.
Current Mood:  calm
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07:41 pm
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Up and running
Okay, I have e-mailed, phoned and met with quite a few people to assist in transforming me into a lean mean interview getting machine (okay I'm sorry, I know that was lame). Still waiting on a lot of feedback, but I'm getting some ideas.
The meeting with my training director yielded the following suggestions/insights:
1) You have a lot of hours.
2) The program failed you in not getting you a hospital based practicum with kids (this is true).
3) You should work in a hospital with kids this coming year
4) Being bilingual would help...Maybe you should find an immersion program.
5) Apply to community sites this coming year.
So from that, I've determined that to be truly competitive I need to find a job at a children's hospital in Mexico! I'm not sure that's practical, but that's where I'm at so far. Oi!
Current Mood:  working
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04:33 pm
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Searching for my feet
So in my attempts to get back on my feet again I'm finding myself entirely perplexed. I'm meeting with my DCT soon and hoping he can help me figure out where I'm weak. Obviously I need to revise my application strategy for next year.
An initial perusal of jobs has me realizing I'm going to need to use my connections, since there are very few if any jobs for M.S. level people. I could get a counselor level job, but since that really won't further my clinical skills in any way it seems pointless. I found some great jobs for MSW's or MFT's, but since I'm not that doesn't work :(
I seriously hope that I'll get some inspiration and direction soon.
Current Mood:  lazy
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08:25 pm
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Back to the drawing board
And the final nail in my coffin has be set. So I'm officially not doing internship this coming year. While I understand I'm in good company and I, in part, put myself in this position, it doesn't make it any easier.
I've suddenly found myself without a plan. For possibly the first time in my life. By the end of my contracted practicum I will have ~3,000 practicum hours. Seems pointless to pay to do another one. So that leads me to finding a job. Which is a mixed blessing. Plus it looks like I might be enduring a move to reduce financial strain. Since I arrived here with a 4 year plan, not a 5+ year one.
It seems weird that for months now I've been looking forward to March thinking that by then I'd know what the future held and could start planning again and now find myself lost at sea. Very disorienting.
Current Mood: drained
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03:46 pm
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Clearinghouse, the final insult
Okay, so I got up super early and headed out to my school for support and insanity after a final tweek of my cover letters.
I watched as one of my classmates was interviewed for 10min and then 2 min later called back with an offer. I had applied to the same place.
I've applied to 12 programs, last count 4 remain. I think...it's really all a blurr. My diss chair is going to make a call for me to one place that decided not to fill their internship, but I'm assuming that's a waste.
This really feels like adding insult to injury. Perhaps that was a reason not to bother at all. Ugh.
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11:36 pm
[Link] | For anyone following along without comment. I too am headed to clearinghouse.
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06:55 pm
[Link] | Ouch! That hurts, I just got a rejection letter today from a place I interviewed at...I wasn't a good match, but still why'd they have to tell me they weren't ranking me?!
Current Mood: annoyed
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10:24 pm
[Link] | Okay, I'll spare the drama. Having my interviews so early and having so few has certainly amplified the drama, but I think I've got it sorted out. All total I'm ranking 5 sites (1 site has a few programs). I dropped one APA site off of my list because after my significant other came to the realization he's staying put if I go certain places I was forced to deal with my scrambled mess of a brain. Nonetheless, ultimately logic won out.
I don't want to live where that internship is and I don't think that the experience offered will set me up for my professional goals. Period.
So now I just have to figure out the actual order which I'm not entirely certain of. The one site that did not interview me has informed me I will be ranked, so I guess that good.
I think I gotta find a hobby or something to keep me distracted till this is all over though. I suppose dissertation is supposed to do that, but that's a whole lot of red tape at the moment.
Clearinghouse is in the back of my mind with a plan if this becomes icky. I just gotta figure out what going APPIC compromises.
Current Mood: accomplished
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09:56 pm
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In the midst of it all
Well, I've already had 1.5 interviews back east in extreme rural locations. I have to finish the .5 interview via phone since I didn't want to spend another 1.5 weeks out east.
The first interview went okay, though I was very different from the other applicants. Not sure what to make of that. I interviewed with 5 people total + the interns, went through 2 vignettes and had to present 2 cases. So it was a bit intense.
Not sure what to expect from the phone interview. Then there's LA later in the month, the only place I can fathom going.
I may only rank the LA site, but then I feel like that may be professional suicide. I guess I'm trying to figure out if it's better to be entirely enthusiastic about internship even if I have to wait, or just get it over with. I'm really not sure and have no idea how to analyze how my internship will alter my career path. That's where I really get stuck. I'm already resentful of being pigeon-holed, so I certainly don't want to set myself up for doing something in psychology I never intended to do in the long-term.
In retrospect I would have substantially altered where my applications went. I'm still a bit flummoxed by the idea that internship sites want interns who have already been doing exactly what they do, but apparently that's the case. I must be really naive.
Current Mood:  thoughtful
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09:26 pm
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Will it ever end?
Interviews=3
Rejections=13
Maybe=1
Remaining=3
I am now back home on the wonderful east coast, with no return flight. This is something akin to hell with no way out. Don't get me wrong the east coast is fine, but being around family and trying to remain composed is NOT happening.
Two days from my first interview. Thank god I'm staying at a hotel tomorrow, hopefully that will help me focus and remain calm. My jet-lagged brain needs some, hm candy. Starbucks, perhaps both, so I can get some really pretty zits for my interview on Thursday.
Current Mood: listless
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05:09 pm
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Christmas for Psychologists to be
So I woke up this morning at 5:30am. No I don't have a baby, but I do have a ridiculously over-zealous kitten. He decided it was time for me to be affectionate and then I realized TODAY is like Christmas. Today is the day I hear from 3 of the remaining 5 sites since it's official interview notification day.
So I began the day with the expectation that today was the day I would get extremely close to moving on to the next chapter of this experience. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. I have not heard a thing from the 3 sites that stated they would contact me by today. Better still, one of those sites has already offered an interview to someone I know and rejected another person I know.
I have had to find things to content myself all day. I interviewed for a TA spot, finally got my suit and thought about packing or working on diss. BUT, I just really want to hear from those sites!
I have one interview offer I haven't scheduled yet because I'm debating how long I will be on the east coast. Their first date is Jan 8, but if I have to spend that much time with my family I'll go batty. Particularly since my father has determined he is the resident expert on getting an internship because he discussed the matter with his shrink :D
Amusing from across the country, in person not so much.
Oh well, off to create my highly exciting research participant recruitment flyer! Joy!
Current Mood:  bored
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07:32 pm
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Currently
Interviews=3
Rejections= 11.5 (.5 is a site that told me I was still under consideration but won't be interviewed WTF?)
Waiting on 5.5
I didn't even think about sites with late deadlines...I'm going to have to go investigate that!
Current Mood:  curious
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05:59 pm
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Starting to feel normal
Got another rejection and an interview at the one place I would have been stunned not to get at interview at. So that's
Interviews=2
Rejections=7
Waiting on 11
Christmas shopping completed, very little. I gotta pick up my suit tomorrow too...Still trying to figure out what's optimal for the interview attire.
Current Mood:  hopeful
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01:48 am
[Link] | Ugh, I'm seriously down on myself right now. I just got another rejection, which sucks! They were kind enough to mention in their rejection letter that I have "impressive credentials". WTH! If I have impressive credentials INTERVIEW ME!
I don't figure I'll get half my sites interviewing me at this point. I'm hoping for at least 3, but things are not looking up. Admittedly I have 14 left.
I'm still trying to recover from a review with my supervisor where I was told I am clinically vague and therefore may come off unprofessionally. If that is in fact the case I guess I'm totally f-ed.
The thing that really sucks is that my isolation is starting to really get to me. I've tried being social, but friendships in their infancy can not endure my ridiculous state of mind. I sound so diagnosable right now it's scary. Throw the DSM at me and call it done.
Current Mood:  pessimistic
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09:54 pm
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Chinese water torture
Waiting for responses is pretty similar to Chinese water torture. I am wayyy to impatient for this. I keep second guessing everything I applied to and wondering if there is any chance they will think I'm even a remotely good match.
To make matters worse, e-mails from my fellow classmates are flying about answering where they've gotten interviews and rejections.
Somebody got an interview at a site I applied to so it'd be nice to at least get my rejection from them. Everyone I know, has 3 interviews and I'm stuck at 1 and haven't heard from a site in about a week.
I'm going to have to wait longer than Dec. 15 for 3 of the responses too. One isn't sending out interview notification until Jan 9!
They seriously need to considering starting this process in Jan...This is killing my holiday shopping mood.
Current Mood:  stressed
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